Coming out of the dark

Hello, I’m Hilary and I am depressed.

That’s taken me a long time to admit to myself. It’s not surprising really. I come from a family that has depression all over the place. I didn’t want to be part of that crowd. Not that I thought I was better than that. I was in survival mode and had no idea how broken I am.

This last year, I have spent a lot of time working on healing myself and doing some serious digging into my past as to causes of certain things. And I found answers. Most of which were serious light bulb moments and a relief to find. But depression was still ever present. I couldn’t lift myself up. I was stuck. Wrapped in a tight, snug blanket of medium to dark grayness that was almost claustrophobic.

On the first of this month, I started taking Zoloft. I admit that I was powerless to overcome and escape that blanket. My will alone wasn’t enough. This is a brain chemistry thing too. I’m on day 11 today and while I know it can take up to 4 weeks to have a full effect, I am already feeling a big difference.

The blanket around me is thinning now and I can move more. It is like night and day. My wife has noticed, that’s a good thing. Wrapped up in the blanket, I was far away from her mentally and we weren’t connecting. She can hug me, and I don’t shirk away anymore. I missed her hugs.

Why write about this? Because mental health is a thing, and it needs to be talked about. Let’s face it, everyone is broken. EVERYONE. I believe the first 3 years of our lives sets the tone and the obstacles we will face in our later years. The environment around you is soaked up like a sponge as infants. Nothing is ignored, all is taken in.

And it’s ok to be broken. How boring life would be if it were all perfect. There would be no challenges to rise above, nothing to learn. I’m broken but I’m healing too. The medication is a tool helping me to heal and I have no shame in admitting that I needed help. Frankly, I feel a little stupid that I didn’t get to this point sooner than now, but life unfolds in the way it will.

Take care of yourselves. It is your first priority. If you are too low on energy and health, you can’t help anyone else. As I wrote in a post some time ago, depression is a shadow thief, but I have a better security system now, so no more thieving of my spirit.

Keep it cool and take care of you!

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